The Ventilator - Page 2 of 7 - Kickin' it in your '50's while stuck in a millennial world

So I Hear 50 is the New 30…

I keep seeing that 50 is now considered the new 30. I personally don’t know what to think about that. I mean this could be a good thing or a bad thing. Just like everything else life throws at us.

I am in my early 50’s. Do I feel like I’m in my 50’s??? Hell, I don’t know. It’s not like I’ve been here before and am going back for round two. Seriously, how do you even gage that???

Do I feel like I’m in my 30’s??? I don’t think so. Actually, I can’t remember what it felt to be in my 30’s. Same goes for my 40’s for that matter.

We all age. It’s a fact and it is inevitable. The alternative requires a shovel and a pine box. I, for one, am in no mood to hasten the process. Plus I’m not to high on “pine scent”.

Just waitin' for Vlad the Impaler to jump out and scream 'Surprise!!!' — Just waitin’ for Vlad the Impaler to jump out and scream ‘Surprise!!!’

Why can’t 50 be, well just 50??? Why are we so obsessed with youth and all the perceived virtues of it??? Was 30 really all that fun???

Thanks to advances in health care, nutrition, technology and many more innovations, life expectancy has gone way up. In 1900 you were on the average pushing up daisies at 52. Now the average is just under 80 years, and continually rising.

Yes, I’m a few steps slower. Yes, I’m starting to forget little things. Yes, it’s tough to get moving in the morning. But does that mean I want to be 30 again? And go through that fun ‘mid-life crisis’ one more time? Uh….no.

I can't remember when this started happening to me.... — I can’t remember when this started happening to me….

I, for one, am going to just sit back and roll with the punches. Why conform to what the world says I should be? I’m in my 50’s, damn it. And I’ve earned every wrinkle, every scar, every grey hair. Don’t you dare tell me that I should be 30 again. I don’t want to.

But if I look and act younger than what a 50 year old should by your standards, I’m doing it because it’s me. Not because of some lame propaganda. And one of the things I have learned over the years is to embrace my differences. I wouldn’t have known that at 30.

I truly believe that aging is a journey. And I’m going to enjoy every step possible. k

What Ever Happened To…Planter’s Cheez Balls?

Hmmm…Planter’s Cheez Balls. Where did those tasty little neon orange spheres of goodness disappear to???

My friend Steve came up with the suggestion of this beloved snack for my ‘What Ever Happened To…’ series. I, too, am curious where these little guys went.

Do they not look mouth watering??? Don't lie, you know you want some... — Do they not look mouth watering??? Don’t lie, you know you want some…

So I started to investigate. And do you know what I found out??? That they were discontinued in 2006. That’s it. No explanation, just gone.

Even went to their web page. Tried to search for it, but it came back with ‘Looks like we don’t have what you have searched for.’ I know this. I even tried asking ‘Why did you discontinue Cheez Balls?’. Same response.

And there are none to be found. Not on Amazon. Nor ebay. I did find out you can get a case of 6, 6.5 pound packages of Cheez Whiz on ebay for $174.30 with free shipping….if you’re interested.

You can purchase Utz cheeseballs. A 23oz container will set you back about $6.00.

Not as cool as that blue can....:( — Not as good as Planter’s Cheez Balls, but a cheese ball none the less.

According to what I’ve read and heard, they are about as close to Planter’s as we’re going to get.

What is interesting though, is the that the many fans of Planter’s Cheez Balls have started a petition to bring back their beloved snack. It’s located on causes.com, and has 611 current signers.

There’s also a post concerning a Cheez Ball sighting in Baton Rouge, LA in 2009. Probably just a hoax. Those Cajuns are such little pranksters!

Unfortunately, there does not appear any chance of Planter’s bringing back these tasty, little balls. By the looks of their web page, they appear to be focusing on nuts, not balls.

It’s a shame. They really could of had the lions share of the nut and ball market. Would of made for some awesome T-shirts. Just throwin’ it out there, Planter’s. k

Will You Please Control Your Children…

Why do people have such a difficult time controlling their children??? Am I asking too much by expecting you to monitor your kids when you’re out in public???

Do these children look familiar?? (Even tho it's obviously staged) — Do these children look familiar?? This is the edited version. Reality is not this orchestrated.

I’m a parent, so I understand that there are times when our little darlings act up. They are children. It’s gonna happen, even to the best parents. But it just seems that lately the rugrats are running wild.

Maybe I’m just getting up there in years. That could be part of it. But I don’t think that’s the only reason my patience is wearing thin. So to test my theory, I did me a little experiment today at work. I just stood back and watched.

And lo and behold, at least 75% of the children I watched for this short period of time acted like little assholes. And their parents, or guardians, or whatever, ignored them. Just went about their business totally disregarding the fact that their children needed the shit slapped out of them.

And I just stood there in woman’s wear, shook my head, muttering. How did it get this bad???

These children are the future. And we are doing them a huge disservice by letting them run amok. By not disciplining them, we are creating a generation of self-centered, spoiled, disrespectful, losers.

Yes, I said losers. A generation that has everything handed to it. A generation that will never know the satisfaction of accomplishing something by their own sweat and ingenuity. A generation that has no respect for authority or any one for that matter.

A generation that breaks the law and could care less. Because they have never had to answer to anyone for their negative behavior. A generation of thugs. A generation that has babies that you’ll get to raise.

Sound like fun??? Yup. Because you refused to discipline your children and teach them to behave responsibly, you get 18 more years of child rearing. Which you sucked at to begin with.

Not that there aren’t many great parents out there. There are. And they’re doing their best. But they’re just as pissed off as I am by the total disinterest these idiots show concerning their children.

So to all the lazy parents out there, when your child and 5 grandchildren are living rent free in your basement with no end in sight, enjoy!! You have only your lousy parenting skills to blame. k

Keith Emerson, 1944-2016

Keith Emerson is the latest victim of the Grim Reaper.

It’s as if old Grim has put a contract out on aging rock stars. I realize that I’m getting up there in years, so it’s only natural that people that I grew up listening to begin to die. And ’70’s rock stars aren’t notorious for their healthy lifestyles…

Really, with options like these, why Keith???

But it just seemed that 2016 had started out as a banner year. I was hoping that it would settle down a bit, but nooooooo….. Still rockin’ out the death sentence, heh Mr. Reaper??? (No pun intended.)

Every member of The Stones needs to be on high alert. Except Keith Richards. I think he might very well be dead already. I can not tell. It’s like ‘Weekend at Bernies’ when you attend a Stones concert.

You be the judge.... — You be the judge….

I’m beginning to think I might need to add an obituary category to The Ventilator. I really would rather write about other things. Like tweekers, gators, bad baby names. Anything but this. So cut this shit out. Please.

This being said…

Keith Emerson was an English keyboardist with Emerson, Lake, and Palmer which was one of the supergroups of the early ’70’s. ELP was a critical and commercially successful group throughout this period. He was hailed by many as a keyboard legend.

It was reported that he was found Thursday evening by his wife in the couples bedroom. He had a single gunshot wound to the head.

Keith had been depressed recently, as he was diagnosed with a nerve condition that greatly affected his right hand. This severely impaired his ability to play the keyboards. Even with this condition, he was still slated to perform in Japan next week.

Authorities are treating his death as a suicide. RIP, Keith. k

Go, Go Get ’em Grady Judd!!!

Grady Judd is at it again. And I think it’s awesome.

You see, we had yet another homicide. That in itself is nothing special here in Lakeland. Seems a lot of Polk County’s ‘fine upstanding citizens’ enjoy killing each other. There are a ton of ignorant people around here, unfortunately. Which sucks, because they ruin it for many of the decent people who live here.

In the middle of January a badly burned body was found on some trail, and an investigation was naturally started. It is alleged that four young gentlemen decided to distribute some redneck justice. According to the information I have seen, one of these young men had a girlfriend. How, I don’t know. But that’s neither here nor there.

Grady Judd holding up a photo of the accused.

Well someone ‘close to’ the girlfriend tells him that the girlfriend was raped by the victim. So he gets his brothers and a buddy together. They lure the victim to their trailer ( Yes, trailer) under the ruse of a drug buy, then sodomize and beat him to death. You can get all the details here at www.theledger.com.

This in itself shows how intelligent this group is. But it gets better. These rocket scientists took pictures of the victims body on their phone. Yes, you read that correctly. Rumor has it they even posted them on social media.

Ummm...make that 200,001 reasons. — Ummm…make that 200,001 reasons.

And these geniuses seem to believe that because they have these photos locked in their phone, the police will be unable to get access to them. Grady hopes the suspects will cooperate.

But if they don’t, he will be sending court orders to Apple for access to the photo’s.

“No one in the U.S. can create a business model that usurps the criminal justice system. The CEO of Apple needs to know he is not above the law.” stated Sheriff Judd.

Because no one stands between Grady Judd and justice. Yet another reason for my growing admiration. I know it helps me sleep a little better a night. k

When Did the ‘Meth’ Look Become Fashionable???

I’ve never kept up with what’s fashionable and what’s not. Not my thing. Unless it’s athletic shoes and hoodies. Then you might get my attention for a short time.

But today I was walking past the magazine rack, and WHAM!!! I run straight into this cover for the March edition of Porter magazine. And this chick is looking straight at me. I was like whoaaaaa….

I have no idea who this poor girl is. I tried looking for credits in this magazine, but it was all ads. I know, big surprise. Then I stared at her for a moment. And thought to myself, ‘Gee, you look like a textbook shoplifter.’

And the typeface directly under her, ‘The New Seduction.’ WTF??? Are they referring to this poor girl? This girl isn’t seductive. This girl needs a cheeseburger. Desperately.

A nap and a shower would probably work wonders, too. She just looks terrible. And she’s on the cover of a major fashion magazine. At least I think it’s major. I’ve never heard of it.

April's cover. Nah...I'm just yanking your chain...or am I??? — April’s cover. Nah…I’m just yanking your chain…or am I???

Porter. All that comes to mind is a porterhouse steak. Which sounds delicious. And this poor thing could use a bite or two. I don’t get it.

Now check out this side by side.

Which cover do you think is more fashionable???

Vogue with Adele?? That’s my choice. That’s a real woman. And she looks healthy. Not like you would get a nasty STD or bugs. Real woman have curves. All the better to snuggle with. Just sayin’.

Check out this real woman rockin' the cover... — Check out this real woman rockin’ the cover…

Take this cover with Christina Hendricks. Not only does she look like she’s eaten this week, she’s beautiful. And has an awesome name, too.

I bet our girl on Porter is beautiful, also. The magazine didn’t give her a fair shake. Whoever told them this look is attractive needs to be looking for a new job. And sweetheart, whoever you are, get a new agent. k

I Could Care Less If You Wanna Smoke Weed

I honestly could give a rats ass if you want to smoke weed. If you’re a legal adult, and you’re chillin’ in your own home, toke away. It’s none of my business. Period.

I’m not going to get into a debate over the legalization of marijuana. Both sides have many valid points. But this is a blog post, so it’s too complicated a subject to address in approximately 400 words.

I personally don’t like marijuana. The shit makes me hungry and sleepy. I have absolutely no need for a substance that makes me hungrier than I already am. I can sit down and eat a double decker PBJ with potato chips and M&M’s without the need to get baked first. I guess I’m just blessed that way. I also sleep way more than I should (‘cuz it’s awesome), so I don’t need any assistance there, either.

Kris after smoking weed. Pretty damn attractive, don't ya think??? — Kris after smoking weed. Pretty damn attractive, don’t ya think???

Ok, that’s not really me, but you get the idea.

The problem I’m having concerns my neighbors. Kids in their early to mid twenties. We say hi when we run into each other. They seem to be nice enough.

They also like to get high. Especially on the weekends.

So why does this concern me, you ask??? As I said, it’s your home and what you do in the privacy of your own home is your business.

But they smoke it outside. On their patio. And it blows over to my patio. This is the problem. Sometimes it’s so bad, I have to resist the urge to stop, drop, and roll.

Incoming smoke...just like a Stephen King novel!! — Incoming smoke…just like a Stephen King novel!!

Ok, it’s not really that bad, but you get the idea.

I explained earlier, I have no need to get high. I’m fat and lazy enough as it is. Thanks for sharing, but I really would prefer to pass.

But my main problem with this is, drumroll please!!!… I hate the way the shit smells. It stinks. Like ass. And now your weed smoking just became my business.

So the equation reads like this: Don’t expose me to your weed and it’s by products = I could care less. Expose me to it = Now we have a problem. Study the material, because there will be a test tomorrow. If your not too stoned, that is. k

Southern: A Whole New Language

Being a displaced Yankee, I’m being forced to learn an entire new language that I fondly refer to as Southern. Every demographic has their own vernacular, but the one with the most differences seems to be the South vs. North.

I’ve been in Florida about six months now, and I find myself slipping back and forth between “You all” and “Y’all”. At times I’m sure it sounds like some distorted mix of urban English and Pig Latin. But when in Rome….

I’ve picked out the top 5 Southern words which I seem to have problems converting to, in no order in particular.

#5. Soda or Coke vs. Pop.

Here's a nice little visual for you. — Here’s a nice little visual for you.

If it’s not being referred to as Coke, the next choice here is soda. I have no clue what Kiel is, though. Might have to look into this strange animal…

#4. Buggy vs. Cart

Don't let the map fool you, it's still overwhelmingly a buggy in Florida. — Don’t let the map fool you, it’s still overwhelmingly a buggy in Florida.

I seem to have the biggest problem with this one due to my job. Unfortunately I encounter a massive amount of carts, I mean buggies, every day.

#3. Pocketbook vs. Purse

I don’t have too big of a problem concerning this one. You wouldn’t catch me carrying either.

#2. Clicker vs Remote

A universal 'clicker'. — A universal ‘clicker’.

A southern 'clicker', a northern 'remote'. — A southern ‘clicker’, a northern ‘remote’.

In my experience, using the garage door opener, i.e. ‘clicker’, to change the channel will result in failure.

#5. Sweeper vs. Vacuum

A southern 'sweeper', a northern 'vacuum'. — A southern ‘sweeper’, a northern ‘vacuum’.

This bad boy is a 'sweeper' in the north. Do not use it on indoor carpet... — This bad boy is a ‘sweeper’ in the north. Do not use it on indoor carpet…

I’m sure there are many more. And I’m sure the longer I live in Florida, the more I will learn and adopt.

I just hope I don’t start sounding like a redneck. That’s where I have to draw the line. If I do, I hope that one of my peeps from the north set’s me straight. Got to stay true to my roots, y’all. k

What On Earth Do You Have Hiding Under That Hat?

I like hats. I wear them all the time. Day in, and day out. I have a huge assortment of ball caps in every color and style imaginable.

One advantage of throwing on a cap, is you don’t have to worry about what your hair looks like. Pop one on and it’s off to Walmart. Or wherever. I’ve even been known to throw on a stocking cap if it’s a bit nippy outside.

But what in the hell is the deal with these hats???

You could knit a sweater with all the yarn in this hat.

There are a ton of guys who wear these down here. In Florida. Where it’s not cold.

But this is irrelevant. The thing that gets me, is these hats are filled to the brim with what I can only assume is hair.

I think I just threw up in my mouth a little... — I think I just threw up in my mouth a little…

I have yet to see someone sporting one of these hats that looks even remotely clean. So I’m not a betting gal, but if I was, I would lay odds that the shit tucked up under that hat is pretty nasty. Shove a bug bomb in that sucker.

I also can’t help but get the mental picture of the Cat in the Hat. Pry that bad boy off and out pops Thing 1 and Thing 2.

That would be pretty badass, though. Having little creatures living under your hat (Not bugs, though)……sorry, kinda got off track there. Just imagining how many people I could freak out, like at the bank. Good times…;)

But these dudes are definitely not The Cat in the Hat. Nowhere close. Probably shouldn’t be left alone with children, either. I don’t care if they are bored and it’s raining…

And another thing. It looks stupid. Like you have a big ass alien head.

Except Roger has a better chance of finding a girlfriend than you do. Because he bathes. And would wash and comb his hair. If he had any.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I think I’ll go grab a shower. Just the thought of the roach motel hiding under some of those caps makes my skin crawl. k

How Many Oreo Flavors Does Society Need ???

I never paid attention to how any different flavors and types of Oreos there are. Just never thought much about it, I guess. But as I looked at the four foot section devoted to Americas Favorite Cookie, it appears there is an Oreo for all occasions.

I am a huge fan of anything labeled carbohydrate, calorie, sugar…the list goes on. And Lord knows I’m just a fat kid and the more Oreos the better, but…

Watermelon Oreos??? Someone was baked in the creative department the day they came up with that one. Hell, they probably all were. Even a pregnant woman would likely draw the line at this one. Marshmallow Crispy??? Why??? Is that even a flavor???

So I did me a little research and came up with a list of all the various assortments of Oreo flavors. These are listed in no particular order, but we all know that Classic Oreo is the best, hands down.

Classic Oreo. Da Bomb.
Lemon Oreos
Double Stuff
Double Stuff Heads or Tails
Peanut Butter Oreos
Cool Mint Oreos (Sounds like mouthwash…)
Chocolate Cream Oreos
Golden Oreos
Marshmallow Crispy Oreos
Golden Birthday Cake Oreos (A cookie that is birthday cake flavored…I’m lost. Just eat cake.)
Cookie Dough Oreos (Capitalizing on the ‘Let’s make everything taste like cookie dough phase. Just give me a tube of Pillsbury Chocolate Chip and I’m good. Eat that sucker like a banana.)
Chocolate Birthday Cake Oreos. See number 10.
Berry Burst Ice Cream Oreos.
Rainbow Shur-bert Oreos. Not a typo.
Creamsicle Oreos.

Of course we have the many holiday flavors. And don’t forget the Oreos that just have the cream filling dyed and are marketed seasonal. Oh, and don’t forget the many varieties of Fudge Covered Oreos. And the different shaped Oreos. Or the Cakesters.

Ok, marketing team, slow it down a bit. One shouldn’t be overwhelmed when purchasing a chocolate wafer with sweet cream filling. It’s not like we’re buying a Range Rover or something. I don’t want to contemplate my cookie purchase, so could ya help a gal out and tone it down a bit??? Thanks!!! k

May 2016
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